


101 reasons not to become a familiar.

by rottengirl420



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Attempted Murder, Boss/Employee Relationship, Classical Music, Dark Comedy, Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, Jealousy, M/M, Musical Instruments, Mutual Pining, Post Season 1, Rough Sex, Sex, Threesome - F/F/M, Tragic Romance, Vampire Sex, Vampire Turning, will add tags as i write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 18:39:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19409077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rottengirl420/pseuds/rottengirl420
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, the life of a familiar is not as glamorous as it may seem. You see, being a familiar is a bit of a scam; the vampire you meet will lure you into their home with their fancy robes and their nonsensical monologues before trapping you in a web of lies. If you know any familiars, can you confidently say they have fulfilled their duty and been converted into a creature of the night yet? No, you probably can’t. Reason number one being that the chances of meeting a real familiar are really quite sim, but reason number two is that vampires are deceitful bastards.





	101 reasons not to become a familiar.

Contrary to popular belief, the life of a familiar was not as glamorous as it may seem. You see, being a familiar is a bit of a scam; the vampire you meet will lure you into their home with their fancy robes and their nonsensical monologues before trapping you in a web of lies. If you know any familiars, can you confidently say they have fulfilled their duty and been converted into a creature of the night yet? No, you probably can’t. Reason number one being that the chances of meeting a real familiar are really quite sim, but reason number two is that vampires are deceitful bastards. 

Have you ever actually considered that vampires are the biggest scam artists on Earth? Whether you’re a victim or their familiar, a vampires whole life purpose to sell a facade to a human so that they can use them for sustenance or to make them do their dirty work. Hundreds of familiars fall into this maddening trap every year- if im honest, I don’t get how someone hasn’t written a book called “101 reasons not to be a familiar” yet but that's probably because they get eaten by their masters once they step out of line and don’t get the chance to write it. 

Sometimes, you can find familiars that are more like victims; familiars that are completely neglected and used, forced to work for a master that does not care. Sleep deprived and alone, they slave away through day and night, clinging onto the idea of one day being a vampire, too. One of those sorts of familiars was Guillermo of Staten Island, New York. He served Nandor the Relentless, a 757 year old ex-ottoman soldier. Nandor was known to be quite cruel, but Guillermos’ big heart failed to see really how horrible the vampire could be. After all, Nandor was his ticket to becoming a creature of the night! He wouldn’t dare step out of line as that could hinder his chances of fulfilling his dream. Not only that, but Nandor had almost 1000 years of experience under his belt- there was absolutely no way Guillermos’ human brain or body could comprehend the power he had.

Although Guillermo only served Nandor, sometimes he felt as though he served the whole entire vampire household that Nandor controlled. As ruthless as he could be, he was an angel compared to the other vampires in the house.

First of all, there was Nadja. She wasn't beautiful in the classic way; she didn't have flowing golden locks or sunkissed, dewy skin. No, Nadja was far from that. Her skin was pale and smooth like wax and her eyes were a faded hue of green, deep with passion and etched with lines of laughter but still bright and seemingly ageless, like the eyes of a doll. Her hair was so black against her snow-white skin that the shock and the contrast only serve to make her all the more ghostly, all the more haunting. Her hair flowed down her back like an ink spill on tilted paper. She was a fierce lady with a dark sense of humour and, coupled with her husband, she was a force to be reckoned with.

Laszlo was Nadjas unapologetic husband. Having been converted to a vampire during the middle ages, Laszlo has seen it all. His skin was worn with age, like pale leather. Upon his head sat a deliciously smooth mane of mahogany that cascaded down to the nape of his neck. His face was shaped by his well-groomed beard (which he took a lot of pride in.) Although he was slightly on the larger side, his strength was unprecedented and practically oozed confidence wherever he went- he was extremely talented, too. Not only was he a musical genius, but he was also a damn good at making topiary sculptures of  _ questionable _ objects. 

Together, these three vampires (excluding Colin. We don't talk about Colin.) made quite the team. And, to be honest, sometimes Guillermo felt as though the team were too much for him. Not only was he contractually obliged to take orders from Nandor, but the other two loved to boss him around, too, especially since the death of their familiar (who was frankly quite useless, bless her soul.) 

In fact, Guillermo was having one of those ‘this is too much!’ moments right now. Let's take a look, shall we?

“We have talked about this before! No murder before supper, its rude manners!” Nandor droned, his head resting in his hand, elbow pressed against the arm of his chair. Lazslo, equally as shocked - if not a little turned on - gazed up at Nadja who was cradling the corpse of a young looking man who had sustained quite the hit to the head. With a shrug, she dropped the body to the floor and kicked off her shoes before throwing herself onto the sofa next to her husband. 

“I thought you would appreciate a starter,” She reasoned, her face serious.

“Yeah but he is already dead, Nadja! That is the fun part! The killing part! Why would you ruin the fun killing part-“

“Alright mate, we get it.” Lazslo interjected, waving his hand nonchalantly in front of the other vampires face. 

“Come on, Lazslo. You have to agree with me here! Drinking from an already dead body is like… is like…”

“It’s like drinking a tall glass of luke-warm piss.” The nobleman finally agreed, nodding his head slowly. With a contented sigh and a smug grin on his face, Nandor relaxed into his chair and waited for Nadjas response. 

“So now what? We have a useless dead body on the floor-“ Nadja rolled her eyes and gestured towards the man with her hand.

“And he's bleeding all over my carpet!” Nandor began to whine again, jumping from his chair and using his foot to roll the body off the centuries old carpet, now stained with blood. For a small gash on the head, there was a lot of blood. If Lazslo hadn’t of compared the blood to piss, he may have considered to take a quick drink. But alas, his pride was more important than his food so he sat back and watched the show.

Nandor continued to kick the dead body until he was completely off the carpet, cringing as the bones popped and cracked. 

“This is disgusting- I cannot- where is Guillermo?- GUILLERMO!!” Nandor howled, hobbling about on one foot, using a hand to pry off his now dirty shoes. From upstairs, Guillermo could be heard thundering towards the lounge. Soon enough, he arrived. Out of breath and sweating buckets, he straightened himself out for the vampires, pressing out any ruffles in his clothes.

“Yes, master?” He wheezed, folding his hands nervously.

“Guillermo, I need you to dispose of this man,” Nandor wrinkled his nose and the corpse, shuddering in disgust as though he wasn't a vampire and had to kill people daily to survive. Guillermo glanced towards the corpse, then towards the clock, then towards the vampires, and once more at the corpse. It wasn't even near feeding time yet! Why on earth was their a fucking corpse on the floor?

“But master… does this mean you want me to cancel your dinner plans?” The familiar mumbled, craning his head around to get a better look at the corpse.

“No. We didn’t eat him. Nadja killed him.”

“For fun?” Guillermo choked, biting his lip.

“No, he denied my Walmart clubcard.” Nadja replied, shaking her head at Lazslo who was trying to stifle a laugh. Guillermo looked around with his lip between his teeth, a worried expression on his face.

“T’was a joke! Haha funny guy Nadja, so hilarious! Are you stupid? Is your dumb brain not built for joking with?” Nadja bared her fangs at the familiar, causing him to step back behind Nandor who seemed to be unwavered by his fellow vampire friends aggressive actions.

“Master… you didn’t even kill him so… it-it’s not really my responsibility-“ 

“Oh, shut up, you absolute softcock. Just bloody get rid of him!” Laszlo cried. “My gosh… You’re acting like i've just killed your mother.”

“She- she's dead, sir.”

“...Okay?”

“Guillermo, be a good boy and just get rid of him, please. It’s ruining my appetite.” Nandor spun on his heel and placed his hands on his familiars shoulders, spreading over the shoulder muscles like a pair of pale starfish. Reluctantly, he moved away from Nandor and toward the body, hoisting it over his shoulder and grabbing one of its legs. On his way back up from the floor, Guillermo caught eyes with Lazslo. 

“You’re holding him wrong,” the vampire muttered, rubbing his fingers together, his eyes boring holes into the familiar forehead. Guillermo stopped to adjust his grip before trying to walk off, only to be stopped by Lazslos’ hand that had now formed a fleshy barricade in front of him. Confused, he glanced down at the meaty paw that prevented him from leaving the room and dared to look at Lazslo once more.

“Aren't you going to say thank you?” He recoiled his head in disgust, pressing the hand that wasn't being used to stop the familiar to press into his chest to show his hurt. “I could of just prevented a fatal accident, and you dare just walk away like i hadn’t just  _ saved _ your future selves life?”

Guillermo started to feel something boiling in his chest, as though he was a dragon, filled with fire and rage. He didnt like that feeling. 

“Thank you, sir.”

Laszlo didn't remove his arm. Instead, he begun monologuing about manners and respect. And, with every passing word, Guillermo felt his anger rise. Usually, he would just smile and move on, but today was different. He had had enough.

“Well, if you’re so bothered about carrying and getting rid of this dude then do it yourself!” Guillermo hurled the body at Lazslo who was now glaring at the boy with huge, yellow orbs. Slowly, he began to lift himself off the sofa, knocking the body onto the floor. With a sadistic grin, he fixed his shirt before mumbling something under his breath.

“Run.”

  
  


Oh,  _ fuck.  _

  
  


Guillermo moved as fast as his little legs could take him, cutting across the garden and down the street towards the town. Laszlo giggled to himself, settling himself down on the sofa and pulling an arm around his wife as Nandor left the room with a sigh. 

“I’m too old for that shit now, my love. Perhaps we should invest in a familiar?” He spoke quietly against his wife's cheek, kissing it lightly before pulling away from her and resting himself on the arm of the sofa.

“Yes, a lady please. There are too many sweaty men in his bloody house. And please, make sure she’s actually  _ good _ , eh?” Nadja replied, fussing with her nails before flashing a grin at her husband. 

And so the hunt for a new familiar was on, and several phone calls and emails later it seemed as though they had a good candidate. Her name was...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
